Friday, February 5, 2010

On Being a Pack Rat: an Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear LiLo,

I know, I know... I'm one to talk when right now my apartment looks like this (due to the move) and Jerald reminds me everyday that I have too much shit.

But really? Seriously? Is it really necessary to have 4,000 Nobu menus, 39,320 pill bottles, along with this list of major shit found at your place through a a court-ordered cleanup of your place by the City of Los Angeles Department of Sanitation (via movieline)... Damn it must be that serious if you need the city to tell you to clean up your shit:

1. 2500 Joe Cool fanny packs purchased with 1,250,000 accumulated Camel points
2. variety pack of dental dams
3. her stand-in from The Parent Trap
4. 4000 Nobu menus, snatched up in a manic shopping fit during the chain’s ‘03 renovation
5. every carving knife in the Williams Sonoma catalogue
6. 300 copies of the first three seasons of Supernatural on DVD, unopened
7. 39,320 pill bottles
8. The What’s Happening to My Body Book for Girls
9. True Religion Spring ‘07 denim thong collection
10. those cat clocks with the moving eyes and tails in 42 different colors
11. Corbin Bernsen’s home phone number written on a matchbook from Il Sole
12. a Denver Yellow Pages
13. homunculus perfectly preserved in bell jar
14. invitation to the Ciccone-Ritchie 2004 Purim Fashion Show and Kabbalah fundraiser
15. 25,000 Samantha Ronson mix CDs
16. 214 Beanie Babies (nocturnal animals only)
17. 4000 bags of Baked Lays
18. birthday card from Robert Altman made out “to my favorite little shmendrik…”
19. two Golden Raspberry awards
19. her childhood
20. a Marilyn Monroe Halloween costume
21. half-written dissertation on the “Lost Looming Skills of the Mothers of Pompeii”
22. 400 unopened cases of Sevin Nyne tanning spray
23. 3 lbs. of unopened mail from Mark David Chapman
24. a Lucy Lawless poster
25. Born Free original soundtrack, vinyl
26. a dessicated Shetland pony
27. Herbie
28. a marionette likeness of her mother
29. two gifting suite hostesses, bound, gagged, and malnourished
30. a Denali engine
31. a photograph of her leaping through a sprinkler returned from the White House as “undeliverable”
32. Sammy Davis Jr.’s glass eye collection
33. 800 lbs. pompoms and leggings
34. LASIK surgery equipment
35. a vodka-powered time machine
36. box of Rock the Vote T-shirts
37. redlined script for remake of Lady Sings the Blues
38. a Gutenberg Bible
39. Roy Disney’s cryogenically preserved head
40. a working tricorder
41. a Pole State correspondence degree in Advanced Striperology
42. copper album commemorating 4000 copies of Speak sold
43. 700 trilbys
44. a note to Kristen Stewart reminding her to “play the intention.”
45. 100 lbs. of elephant tusks
46. 12 Polaroids of her with Pope Benedict XVI at the Rome Miu Miu
47. 2 cases Funfetti cake mix
48. 48 His and Hers’ Sean Combs ultra-plush bathrobes, available only through HSN
49. the ninth Gosselin child
50. assortment of flesh-colored bikinis

Oh LiLo, you have really gone, "out of your mind" as Lil' Jon has recently said. What the fuck? You need to really take a good look at the root of why you have all this shit. Look I know we're all not perfect and I have a good reason for why I buy stuff. I was raised with a mother who was a pack rat herself and pretty much got every single thing imaginable on sale and never got rid of it with a reasoning behind that being that, "It was on sale, maybe I'll need it one day, and all this stuff was bought with hard working money". My mother refused to buy me anything at regular retail price calling it, "stupid" which is why sometimes I can go overboard with shopping. We were pretty much a low-medium income with my single parent mother but, you?

C'mon LiLo... You can't tell me you can't hire someone with all that money you have (even though you claim to be running out of it, I'm pretty sure you have mo' money still than the average person) to just come in there and help you organize and clean. But I guess after seeing this video you can't really get enough space to organize...

What you need to do is get rid of all that useless shit because right now you look like one of those women on Grey Gardens, a "Bag Lady" noted by Erykah Badu just letting your shit own you.

You need to be in charge and own your shit and not let it own you.

Thank you for opening my eyes to what I should be doing though LiLo... Through your fault, I learned that I need to take my own advice and get rid of shit that I haven't used in the past year (having a storage unit packed with shit that you own and haven't touched in a year will make you realize that you don't need it) and only buy what is a necessity. Damn, having all the shit I did in the move made me feel bad for my family helping me move it out (Thanks Jerald, 8lay & Ariel) being that 10% of the shit we were moving was Jeralds and 90% was mine.

You made me realize that I need to channel those childhood issues I have into positive mediums instead of channeling it into something that will turn me bankrupt before I'm 30 and to keep in mind while purchasing something, "if it don't make dollars then it don't make sense".

So thank you for the wake up call. I only wish that you can realize what I have. Your shit is replaceable...the people around you and your sanity isn't.

Good luck girlfriend, you'll need it


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